Look In The Sky! It's A Bird! It's A Plane! No, It's A Buttinski!

Topic #3: Can you force America to be healthier?

Fascism (As defined by Merriam Webster)
\fa-shi-zəm\
1 often capitalized: a political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition

“When fascism comes to America, it will come in a white coat and a stethoscope.” – Cigar Smoking Guy on an episode of Penn and Teller’s Bullshit

Problem 1:
What do you do when you’re sitting at your favorite restaurant and the delicious smell of cigarette smoke that you find so repugnant starts wafting over to your table, brutally interrupting your quiche? Do you:

a) Quietly attempt to enjoy your meal and pay the bill, leaving without making a fuss.
b) Politely ask the offending smoker if he wouldn’t mind putting out his cigarette
c) Move to a different table
d) Speak to the manager/owner of the restaurant and voice your complaint, hoping that if enough people do so he might reconsider his policy of letting people smoke in his restaurant
e) Make a mental note not to return to this restaurant because it’s “smoking” and “non-smoking” sections are not well segregated
f) Write your congressman

Well, if you’re the average American, you’re going to move for option “f”. “But, Andy,” you say, “what could my congressman do? The restaurateur isn’t doing anything illegal, and it is well within his rights to allow or disallow perfectly legal activities on his premise. A free man or woman has the right to conduct their business as they see fit, as long as it is not infringing on the rights of others.”

Ha-ha. Funny. But unfortunately not true. Apparently, in America, it makes perfect sense to enact legislation which would fine business owners for smoking inside the businesses and buildings which they legally own. All you have to do is take some specious and misleading research, throw the words “epidemic” or “pandemic” in there, make claims of between 500 and 50,000 deaths a year related to second hand smoke, and you’ve got yourself a much more pleasant dinner! All you had to do with sacrifice the liberties and freedom of others for your own convenience.

(See here for more information on the less biased studies regarding environmental tobacco smoke)

Let’s throw another situation in the mix to get a better feel to see our American liberties at work.

Problem 2:
You’re driving down the main street when you pass a McDonalds. You’re amazed to see that the drive-thru line is quite long. You wonder to yourself why people would eat such unhealthy food. It may even frustrate you to know that, despite the common knowledge that fast food is not a healthy alternative, people continue to eat it. Do you:

a) Shrug off your frustration and drive off
b) Shake your head and sigh
c) Continue to “vote with your wallet” and not eat at fast food joints
d) Make a mental note to remind your children about the importance of eating healthy
e) Make a mental note to bring up at the next PTA meeting your concern that children may not be getting enough information and education regarding healthy eating
f) Write your congressman

Again, if you’re the average American who feels he/she knows better than everyone else, and must step in and satisfy your world-saving complex, you’ll pick option “f”. Feel free to disregard that everyone has the right to choose which foods to eat on a daily basis. Feel free to ignore simple principals of capitalism that would regulate extremely unhealthy food from being put onto the market on a regular basis. All you need to do is throw some statistics regarding obesity out there, claim you’re doing it “for the sake of our unhealthy children”, and you’ve got it made.

And feel free to hike up your pants, climb into your ivory tower, step onto the soapbox you keep up on the top floor, and remind everyone that you know better, and it’s time the government stepped in, wasting countless hours and taxpayers dollars debating legislation to change the type of oil French fries are cooked in. Well done you!

Problem 3:
Your son comes home from school and mentions in conversation that he used some of his lunch money to buy a soda from the cafeteria during his lunch period. Do you:

a) Shake your head and sigh
b) Remind your son that the money you give him is for food, not soda and cookies
c) Start packing your son a lunch instead, as to better control what he eats
d) Explain to your son why he shouldn’t be drinking so much soda
e) Make a mental note to bring up at the next PTA meeting that you should bring up the idea of more variety in their healthy alternatives in the cafeteria
f) Write your congressman

Yes, that’s right. Once again the correct answer was to force the world to change to your fickle qualms. Of course every parent has the right to raise their child as they see fit (excepting, of course, obvious illegal actions). And, of course, if your child is using their lunch money to buy junk food, it’s not the school’s fault that your child is disobeying your instructions. But none of that is important right now. What is important is that you’ve once again noticed a horrible injustice that is not only inconveniencing you, but probably is making our country fat and ugly and fetid and Republican. Time to run to that ivory tower and make your decree to the unwashed masses below!

Understanding Your Score:
If you answered “f” to the preceding three questions, you may just be a fascist in disguise. Don’t panic though, just because you feel the government needs to keep in check people whom you’ve decided don’t know as much as you and babysit them, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you’re self righteous.

If you answered either “d” or “e” on the questions, though, please contact the World Conservation Union so they may adjust the numbers to account for you in their calculations regarding the endangerment of Homo sapiens oportet.